The Bean

I thought we were done. I thought the embarrassment was over. Just when you thought they had thought of everything to strengthen and shape your abs, out comes this: The bean. The bean is an inflatable blob shaped like a kidney bean. To exercise your abs on this thing, you have to rock back and forth on it using embarrassing pelvic thrusts up in the air. On the infomercial these thrusts are performed by sexy hard bodied men and woman who are just having the time of their lives. And of course, it's all done poolside.

Okay so you've got the bean and you happen to belong to the Bean's target market: You're a 300 pound male or female who stays up, watching TV until 3AM. Like all the others, this device cannot possibly support your weight, just like that inflatable couch you thought was such a good idea at the time. I can see it now, you mount the bean and after a few awkward upward pelvic thrusts, your shirt has ridden up past your belly and you are sweating like a pig. The Bean not only insults people's intelligence but, like all the other machines out there, has devised a way to trap you on it. Shortly after you begin your workout, you inevitably become glued to the "super strong poly-vinyl surface." Removing yourself from the Bean will prove more painful than the actual attempted workout as it rips your flesh from your back.

I can't stand this stuff. First it's the machine that seduces you into working out on it because it looks like a lounge chair. This is easily and appeal to the target's laziness. "We know all about you Mr. Smith, you got fat because you sat in your chair for all those years eating pork Rhine's and peanut butter. But this chair is different! This chair will make you fit again! It's so easy just have a seat." They you get trapped and can't get out.

The Bean is an appeal to the target's stomach. "We know you Mr. Smith, we empathize with your plight. You got the way you are by eating too many beans. Well use this bean and thrust your way to a perfect stomach. Instead of eating the beans that made you fat, you can ride a bean and get the opposite effect. Honestly, so if I eat too many hot dogs from J-Dogs, I'll just develop a hot dog shaped work out system. But I don't know if it's the hot dog or the special sauce that actually puts the weight on. If it's the sauce, I don't know how I'll ever be able to afford an Olympic sized swimming pool filled with sauce.