America Autobahn

So TenneC and I were talking tonight and he thinks that we need to bring the Autobahn to America. I really like this idea. America used to have an autobahn. It was called Montana or was it Wyoming. Ever since the accident it's hard to remember details.

I think this would be great. I think it should be a toll road too. You should pay for the privilege of driving as fast as you want. And only certain kinds of vehicles should be allowed on it. In order to even qualify for the proposed American Autobahn you have to drive a bullet bike, exotic sports car, or a super wide powerful SUV. The bullet bikes would obviously be the fastest but would also get in the most wrecks quicker. The sports cars would then have to use their wishbone suspensions to weave in and out of the motorcycle accidents. Eventually some of them would get in accidents themselves. That's where the SUV's come in. The SUV's would plow over everyone thus cleaning up the mess.

American Autobahn should be high speed demolition derby P-diddy style.

Spies

Why are spies depicted in American media as super buff and super hot? This makes no sense to me. Spies are supposed to blend into society. They have to be able to make everyone around them believe that they are just like them: normal and average. So according to TV spies are super hot. This is probably because the government forced the networks and movie executives to portray American spies this way. The government does not want you to know that our spies are really normal average looking people who can't do a sit up or a push up if their lives depended on it. But what about killing? Don't you have to be in crazy shape to be able to kill people? Because all spies are also assassins right? Wrong again folks. But the government probably forces that particular depiction too. They want all of us to be too afraid of potential spies even if they are total lard butts. They want us to fear that even the total lard butts could kill us.

This is really just a sad ploy to trick us into thinking of spies in a certain way. Real spies are out of shape control freaks who hold down two full time jobs and have no lives. They work with you doing whatever it is you do and then they have their spy job. Their spy job usually consists of surfing the Internet. That's right, they surf the web looking for hidden codes and messages, telling them where to meet their handler later that night with the secret file (okay some things are real). So next time you're alone with that normal co-worker who spends all his or her time surfing the Internet, think again. They may not be so normal after all.

Edward Cullen

I present to you: Edward Cullen.

MTV films, (the studio with the current rights to the screen adaptation of Twilight) has officially cast Bright Eyes in his debut film role as Edward Cullen. Set to release Christmas time 2009, Twilight should draw a massive crowd following the success of Stephanie Meyer's books about the eternal teen vampire and the object of his desires; Bella Swan, who along with the rest of the cast, has yet to be named.

MTV films is rumored to be considering Katie Holmes for the role of Bella but they aren't confirming that right now.

I am not ashamed of liking these books at all. They're great stories and very well written. I'm excited for the movie(s) to come out and I hope MTV doesn't screw this up the way they did music videos. They were doing so well in the 80's you know? I also have to say that at first I was a little stunned that they cast Bright Eyes of all people to play Edward Cullen but now the idea has grown on me. I think this picture really makes him look like Edward.

Foamy Q and A: It's Time For Some Answers

Okay. What in the world does the Q and the A stand for in Foamy Q and A? I know you know what I'm talking about Utah. It's time for some answers. We've sat back for far too long just accepting that this is a legitimate name for a cleanser. Foamy Q and A. Foamy Q and A! Who thought of that?

I wonder what a real foamy Q and A would be like? Can you imagine President Samuelson holding a "foamy" Q and A with University students? I can. I'll let you imagine your own version of that. I'm sure it's funny and involves bubbles like mine does.

Foamy Q and A where did you come from? Who created you? Why did they give you that name? All I've ever gotten from you are questions, never any answers. Well Mister, it's time the "A" started playing ball...

LaVelle Edwards Stadium and Soccer?

Well it looks like plans are currently in the works to convert LaVelle Edwards Stadium into Utah's premiere soccer sports center. This is all still in the early discussion stages. Don't worry though football fans (American Football fans) BYU football isn't going anywhere. Due to Coach Mendenhall's growing popularity, certain insiders on the athletic supervisory board have expressed a desire to name a new football (American football) facility after the current cougar coach. That's about all I have right now but I promise I'll add more information as I get it.

The Marriott Center

I heard that they're going to start hosting Ultimate Fighting Championship at the Marriott Center. That cold dark place just got a little colder and darker. I agree with my co worker, whom I'll call "TenneC." The Marriott Center can be scary. I'm just glad I'm not a towel boy there. Those guys have it rough enough having to wipe off basketball player sweat from the court with their hand towels. Now if this deal with UFC goes through as planned, they'll have to don the latex gloves and wipe up blood. I can't believe BYU would actually agree to do this. Well if it does go through, at least KBYU television will get a little bit more lively. It's about time.

Night Shift

It's a party on graves people. A party. If only we hadn't run out of jars of communism. Then it would be a communist party. But hey, you can't have it all, "where would you put it?"

Perhaps a quick call over to Zakadia's Commie Emporium would help us out. I hear they deliver but the line is crazy long, like the two checkout lines at Albertsons, Macey's, and even Smith's at 11:55pm on Saturday night in Provo. You know what I'm talking about Utah. You get the urge to eat some nasty junk food that you would never buy during the day when you're in your right mind; and you decide to go out to your favorite grocer's to get that delectable bit O' transfat. When you arrive, you're greeted by young men and women who you can tell got all dolled up just so they could look "hot" standing in one of the two existing lines for an hour. It's like they knew that's what they would be doing with their evening.

"So like, what do you wanna do tonight?"

"I don't know, like, what do you wanta do tonight?"

"I don't know, let's just go to Macey's and hang out."

"Awesome, like what time is it?"

"It's like only 9:30."

"That's so perfect! We have just enough time to totally get ready!"

So 11:30 rolls around and two freshman girls step out into the great big world that is Provo ready for a night at the Macey's. Will they actually buy anything? Will they see that hot guy they both secretly are crushing on? Will they talk to anyone? Will their faces get tired making those ridiculous pouty model faces they've been practicing all night?

I hate those lines. Why do grocery stores do that to me? Why do they do it to us, Utah? Because they're lazy. Because that's the status quo people. And so when I want to get my trans fat on late at night right before church starts in Provo at midnight; I have to wait in line with these poor saps, only I don't look hot. Because how are you going to try to look hot when you want to get your trans fat on? Seriously. Look at me I'm so hot, pay no attention to the boxes of twinkies in my arms. I say if you're going out to get your trans fat on, you should look and dress the part. I want to see more people with baggy sweats and over sized T shirts. You know what I'm talking about Utah. The kind that cover up the rolls. That's right. You need freedom of movement when getting your trans fat on. You've got to be able to bend over to pick up that dropped hoho crumb and you don't want no low rise butt booty tight jeans pinching you leg veins shut while you're getting your reach on do you? I say go all the way. I prefer big baggy basketball shorts. They're thin enough that if I do get pinched I won't feel it much and they're baggy enough that I have total freedom of movement for when my thighs start to inflate and rub all up against each other. See you have to plan for this kind of food. I'm not saying one should always do this, but just when it's time for a little trans fatty action, should you follow my guide lines here. That being said, I want to add that flip flops are definitely the way to go when riding the trans fat train. I say this because my feet tend to swell when eating ding dongs. So it's nice to be able to just flip off your flop when the time is right.

So in closing, yeah graveyards are great. What did the following have to do with working the night shift here? If you don't understand the science of random thought in the middle of the night, then I guess you'll have to work the graveyard to understand.