rtf.

I'm starting a band. It's been several years since I've been in a band that included other people than just myself. The band is comprised of me and a drummer and possibly a bassist. I don't exactly want to give up their identities, so let's call them Eric and Bradlie. We don't want to get too popular too fast so we need to keep some semblance of privacy. The name of our Band is: Report To Follow (rtf. for short). I had a creative meeting with the drummer today. It went pretty well. We will be posting completed songs on this blog for all of you to download. Also we will have an open taping policy at our shows. This means that you can record our live shows if the venue will allow you to. Right now we are writing new material for our first album which will be distributed by Fire Fight Records. I'm really excited for this new project and hope we live up to many of your expectations. Viva la rock.

Fetus Purse

I found this on the Internet. Yes, it's a fetus purse. Who wants to rob a fetus purse? Nobody.

Raw Foodists Kill

Ever heard of raw foodists? They eat everything raw. They don't cook it. This includes beef, chicken and pork. In the case of livestock they usually strike at night. So all you rural folks out there reading this on your 56K connections, beware of the raw foodists. When they decide to eat meat, you can be sure they'll be coming for you and your livestock. This gives new meaning to the term "squeal like a pig," doesn't it?

Something has to be done. For years the Mexicans have blamed the ongoing rash of livestock deaths in the south west and northern Mexico on a mythical creature, the chupecabra, unwilling to confront the awful truth; that they are being plagued by raw foodists in the throws of meat lust.

So what can you do to protect yourself from the unwanted trespasses of a meat starved raw foodist? Protect your live stalk with increased security. Build those fences a little taller. Actually lock that gate. Remember a meat starved raw foodist is not like a supernatural vampire. This fact is often overlooked. Raw foodists in the throws of meat lust cannot hurt you! They're actually weaker due to the lack of nutrients in their body and have no special supernatural powers. Raw foodists cannot fly or turn into animals or trees. A starving raw foodist won't be able to scale your fence to get into the pig pen if you make it just a couple of feet taller. They will most likely just pass out halfway up the fence from over exertion and fall asleep on the ground where they fall. This will give you the necessary time to contact the local authorities.

Another precaution you can take is to install cctv cameras in your chicken coops. This will allow you to monitor your chickens and eggs 24 hours a day. There's nothing worse than waking up in the morning and finding a raw foodist passed out in the coop with baby chick guts all over her face. Take turns with your loved ones monitoring the cameras and walking the property at night.

Remember, preventing live stalk mutilation and murder starts with you. Keep the raw foodists at bay through vigilance. Don't be like my neighbor who lost ten head of cow to a pack of raw foodists who were jonesing for some beef. If only my neighbor had stood guard in his tree stand that night.

Beat It

I just watched Michael Jackson's Beat It video and a random thought came to me. What if you went to your gang initiation beat down dressed like one of the thugs from Beat it?

"I went to my gang initiation wearing 80's clothes with a head band made of rope. It didn't go well."

Water World

Recent talk about global warming has brought to my memory the film "Water World." In the opening scene of the movie it shows a computer model of the world with an animation, showing both polar ice caps melting. This melting causes the world to be flooded.

As a result people grow gills, can breath under water, and ride totally sweet jet skis. I rest my case, global warming is awesome. Even Hollywood agrees, global warming isn't going to kill us. It's going to force us to evolve. And if that evolution means, growing gills, breathing underwater, and riding totally sweet jet skis, then count me in! Sure there will be some growing pains. Fear of swimming and sharks is one of the largest phobias known to man. But global warming and the subsequent inevitable flooding of the earth will only serve to help people overcome their fears of swimming and sharks.

Another benefit to global flooding? Every week becomes Shark Week on Discovery Channel! It can't get much better than that! I bet that man, being the dominant creature it is, will quickly get to work domesticating sharks for use as the man's new "best friend."

So let's review kids: Global warming is good. Why is it good? Because it will force the inevitable flooding of the earth, forcing the human race to evolve into an incredible race of gill wearing, under water breathing, totally sweet jet ski riding people who have pet sharks. Why are we debating this? It's happening and I couldn't be happier!

Having It All Will Make You Chaotic Evil

So I've been recently playing this computer game. I'm not really what you'd call a hard core gamer. I don't play for hours and hours on end and when I do play, it's usually some type of military first person shooter game like Call of Duty, Halo, or Battlefield 2. Well I got tired of the mindless shooting games and have recently opted for a new genre: The RPG. For those of you who don't know, in the gaming world, RPG means role playing game (not rocket propelled grenade). I thought this genre might provide me a more fulfilling gaming experience. RPG's force you to create a character and develop that character throughout the course of the game. RPG's are usually quite long as well so many players become invested in their character. Because I don't play computer games every day I thought that starting an RPG would be fun as it would take me a much longer time to finish it than the average shoot 'em up game. So the game I chose is called Neverwinter Nights by bioware. I chose this game based on a review I read on www.gamespot.com They apparently liked this game very much and recommended it to everyone, including people who don't usually play RPG's. So I thought this would be a great choice for someone like me.

I picked up the "diamond edition," which contains the root game itself and all the expansion packs and modules. I wanted the complete experience and I wanted it to last me a long time (since I don't play as often as most gamers do I figured this was my best bet). I really like the game, it's a lot of fun. The game is set in some alternate mid evil Tolkenian time and you play a hero who is out to find the cure to a plague.

My character was a good guy. He was honest and kind, a real hero's hero. The game forces you to choose the type of moral alignment your character has and mine was classified as "Chaotic Good." This means that your character is a good person who is willing to break some rules for the greater good (you know, like Robin Hood). So the only problem is that this game can get kind of hard. It's hard living life on the road, always wondering where your next meal is going to come from; never knowing if an ogre is around the corner waiting to gore you alive. It's hard scavenging for gold pieces in crates, chests, bags of garbage, corpses, barrels, and abandoned houses. I mean how is a guy supposed to make a decent enough living to even be able to afford a decent hench man? Times are tough and the plague is hurting everyone so I did what anyone would do in my situation. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of being a level 3 fighter. I was tired of only having 95 gold to my name and a ridiculous excuse for a Non Playing Character Henchman. So I did it and nothing you can say can make me feel guilty about it.

I found some cheat codes. Okay, there, I said it. I leveled up my character and became a Chazillionaire. I thought it would be a good thing. I thought I could help people. Honestly, I had no idea it would come to what it has. I thought with all the money in the world and all the charisma one man could possibly handle, I could save more lives. But that's not the case. With all the power and all the money in the world I no longer had a need for other people. I started killing innocent NPC's. I robbed everyone every chance I got. I became Chaotic evil. Now, whenever I come in contact with an NPC, the game doesn't even give me the option to be nice to them and offer to help them. I only choose from a cornucopia of dastardly deeds and insults. I am feared and hated all over the world of Neverwinter. I don't know how this happened. I was such a good guy. It just goes to show that having it all will inevitably change you for the worse.

I feel much better having said this. But I have to go. I have a tavern full of people to destroy.