Anonymous

Hey my blog fans! I'm posting something new!! Holy cow, can you believe it? I can't. I'd like to thank my good friend "Anonymous," for all the support and comments that he's left on many of my posts. My buddy, "Anon," as I like to call him is from outer Mongolia and so his English isn't that great but he's getting better.

Wow, a lot has happened to me since I last posted. I got a new job and I am loving life as a consultant for the next two Twilight films. In a lot of ways my life has mirrored that of Lawrence of Arabia's. I've been working closely with the pre-production team, developing the feel we want for the emotional parts of the films. We're almost there, it's just that there's so much emotion in these films that one band couldn't accurately represent those complex feelings well enough. So we've decided to add a second band to the project. We think two bands will be more than enough and we're really excited to see what Dan Hill will bring to the Twilight saga.

In case any of you are wondering, YES "Sometimes When We Touch," will be featured in one of the upcoming films. I just wanted to get that out of the way from the get go. So far it's been a pleasure working with Dan. His honest and emotional voice will lend itself well to the story of forbidden love and child birth that will be prominently featured in the up coming films. Dan has really taken to working with PM Dawn on some of the tracks. I'm totally psyched to have these two wonderful artists working on this project. Unfortunately Muse had to bow out of the project due to accusations of plagiarism by Rufus Wainwright. We wish Muse the best and hope that they and Rufus can work things out.

Well, I'm pulling an all nighter and it's time to get back to work. I'll be sure to update you all soon! Go team Edward!!!

Robotech Live Action Film

Okay, if you didn't know by now, I'll fill you in: "They" are making a live action Robotech movie. Freaking awesome, I know. It's rumored that Toby McGuire wants to play the lead role of Rick Hunter, which I might be able to see providing he can grow anime hair. That being said, whoever "they" turn out to be, "they" need to consider Philip Winchester for the role of Roy Fokker aka Big Brother. He would be the perfect actor to portray the ultimate inspiration for Rick Hunter. We'll see what happens with this project. I, like so many other protoculture addicts, hope they get this right.

18 A Day

18 People visit this blog each day. That's significant to me. I want to thank all 18 of you for your visit on last Thursday. I hope you enjoyed your stay and will come again often. I have noticed some recent activity on the Twilight front of my blog. You see, a while ago I made a post about who was going to be cast as Edward Cullen in the then upcoming Twilight flick. I claimed that Bright Eyes had been cast to play the immortal child (Eddie's only 17 people). Apparently some of you took me seriously. You probably take the books seriously too. That's okay, but now you know I was kidding. Emo screamo. I was kidding.

Congress Sucks

Okay people who are supposed to represent me. People who are believed to have the intelligence required to work together and create laws that benefit our country. Okay guys. I think we get it. You suck, you always have and now we see behind your curtain. Okay. All those times when you guys were running for office and would never answer any of our questions directly, we just thought you were so smart and clever enough to make it in cut throat old D.C. to represent us. Okay, we were stupid. We admit it. Okay. You guys have finally shown us what's up. You set up one of the longest cons in history and now it's over. It was a good con but now it's over and we're done with you. Now you guys see that we're done with you and you're trying to blame your way out of our displeasure. Everybody's innocent. Okay, we get it. You are incapable of running our government. Well please accept the coming shipment of empty card board copy paper boxes as our parting gift to all of you. We hope we sent enough to accommodate each of your offices. Your replacements will be meeting with you shortly. Thanks for providing Anderson Cooper something else to act outraged about.

Advice Column

Due to multiple requests from friends and strangers, I'm starting an advice column. If you want your letter featured in a blog entry along with the response, send your question to:

jakesadvice@live.com

I will accept any and all submissions. If you submit a question with your real name I will change it when posting your submission publicly.

People Who Annoy Me

Attachment Parenting Advocates and their militant constituents of sleepless parents and rotten kids.

Environmentalists who think they're better than everyone because they drive Hybrids: I've got news for you wannabes, I drive a bicycle! Beat that posers.

Attachment Parenting advocates who bag on Parent Directed Feeding advocates to make themselves feel better about their lousy situation.

New parents who think they know it all

Newlyweds who think they know it all

Returned LDS Missionaries who think they know it all

The director of the upcoming "A-Team Movie." Yeah, he annoys the crap out of me right now.

The writers for the upcoming "G.I. Joe Movie," it's "Real AMERICAN Hero," you stupid idiots.

People who think Elfin and Klingon should be legitimate languages. FAIL.

People who spend all their time arguing on the Internet with others. You see arguing on the Internet is like winning the Special Olympics: Sure you won, but in the end you're still retarded. Who cares?

Neighbors who sexually harass my wife and now live in hiding...

Off campus student housing landlords who run their properties like Auschwitz.

Summer sales company representatives who drive Lamborghini's but don't really own them.

Any summer sales company representative actually.

People who call the police just to report Honor Code violations.

People who call the police just to argue with the police.

Pimps who drive Toyota Corollas

Anyone wearing skinny jeans. Posers.

Punks who don't know who the Sex Pistols are.

Corporate Emo bands. You know who you are.

People who read this blog, don't comment on it, re-post my own stuff on their blogs and then get all the credit for my original ideas and thoughts. Yeah you guys suck rocks.

That's about it for now.

As Lemonade Stand Season Begins...

Spring is at last upon us. The long dreary winter of Utah has finally left us after one last punch to our collective face. So with the advent of spring, comes thoughts of little kids opening up lemonade stands, at least for little kids anyway. And in honor of my friend Eric finding my blog I wish to share a cautionary tale with you regarding lemonade stands. Remember that as you travel not all lemonade stands are created equal and some should just flat out be reported to the better business bureau.

Eric and I were door to door salesmen once a long time ago. We were driving through this neighborhood somewhere in Kansas or Missouri and we were tired and thirsty. It had been a long day with little success, when we came upon a friendly lemonade stand, manned by two little kids equipped with a pitcher of lemonade, a stack of paper cups, and a poster. We pulled up to the stand and were warmly greeted.

"Would you like to buy some lemonade?" one of the friendly children asked us.

Upon seeing how small the cups were I decided that I wasn't really interested in a cup of lemonade. These cups were small. Well my friend Eric was feeling charitable that day and said,

"Sure, I'll have some lemonade."

The two children smiled as they awkwardly poured him a small paper cup full of their home made lemonade. Eric thanked them as he went to drink the lemonade. Almost immediately the lemonade started to shoot out of his nose. He struggled to swallow the vile beverage down and then looked at the children in horror.

"How much do I owe you?" he asked in disgust.

"One dollar," they cheerfully exclaimed.

"One dollar?" Eric asked incredulously. "That's highway robbery!"

Technically we were on more of a small road than a highway but the sentiment was correct.

"Who made this stuff?" he demanded.

"We did!" came the reply. "One dollar!" the children pressed.

Eric and I could tell that this could get ugly real quick if he didn't pay up, so he reluctantly paid the two swindlers and we drove off. I asked him what happened and he told me that he had just drank the nastiest "lemonade" ever created and then got robbed for it.

Another end to another "perfect" day out on the road.

I tell you this story to warn you. As the weather warms and our economy moves more toward a recession, amid home foreclosures and the ensuing credit crunch, beware of shady lemonade stands who shamelessly practice price gouging and misleading marketing strategies (like calling their product "lemonade"). Only patronize well known established lemonade stands that you can trust.

Black River Contractors

My new professional rates as a contractor are as follows:

I charge $13.00 per hour. This must be paid in advance and can be paid in the form of cash, paypal, or equipment equal in value.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Things I Wish I Would Have Said

Have you ever gotten into an argument, whether friendly or otherwise, and your thoughts just couldn't come quick enough to make your point? Sure we all have, that's part of life. Don't you just hate it when, an hour later, you have that epiphany that hits you and you know just what you would have said? Well here's a collection of things I wish I would have said at the time:

No I don't need therapy. Stop projecting your relationship problems onto me.

Actually I have a degree in clinical psychology and you're wrong about that theory. It's the other way around.

Actually I used to do that for a living and you have no idea what you're talking about.

You're the boss you can do whatever you want. Don't use your slippery slope logic on me!

So one minute you have the budget to do this but the next minute you don't?

No, that's a bad deal and you know that.

Yes, you're a bad parent, but you can still change.

Yes, you're children are crazy.

No, that's not normal behavior.

Actually that's called permissive parenting and that parenting style is responsible for most of the world's current and past problems.

You have to bribe your infant with candy otherwise she won't "let" you change her? Yeah, that is nuts.

Your child is not special. He's spoiled.

I know you are but what am I?

If I were your kid I'd spank myself.

Yes, you can be a democrat and still be a faithful church going person, look at President Faust.

Ron Paul sure can put up a poster.

No you're a communist!

I'm a 911 fire, ems, and police dispatcher. I think it's safe to say that I can multi-task.

No I don't feel guilty about that.

It's called split ear technique.

No I'm not worried about you.

Yes, I do support global warming.

Al Gore contributes more to climate change than any one man via his exclusive use of a personal jet and SUV's whenever he travels, and he travels often my friend.

No I'm not interested in going to Africa.

So what?

You leave a wake of destruction where ever you go.

You're child is possessed by the devil.

My son may not be able to talk, but at least he's not addicted to candy and self destruction.

You're the parent for crying out loud, show a little backbone!

No, don't beat your kids! But don't raise terrorists either.

I am the most patient man in the world. I will wait you out.

Those are just a few. There's no need to understand the context these would have been said in, but then again, this post was more for me than it was for you, unless you recognize anything. If that's the case then:

SO THERE!

McDonald's Did This To Me

Up until a few years ago I ate at McDonald's regularly. I grew up going to McDonald's. I loved their food. I remember most of the happy meal toys I got as a kid and I even remember when their food came packaged in Styrofoam containers. Micky D's and I have a long history together. That being said, a few years ago I decided to try to eat healthier so I stopped eating over at Ireland's hamburger stand (historical reference). Well recently I've started eating their again, now that I have children. Two days ago we went there for dinner. I ordered a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese extra value meal (1/2 pound of meat before cooking) with a lemonade. Immediately upon finishing the meal the back of my tongue and the roof of my mouth went numb. 3.5 minutes later I experienced explosive diarrhea the likes which have never before been seen in my lifetime. I staggered my way into the bathroom and held on for dear life. I managed to stay on the seat for 8 seconds so that should count for something, but by the end of it I was seriously considering installing grab handles on the side of the toilet bowl. After it was over I felt like I weighed 500 pounds and could only move in slow motion. I lost all feeling in my mouth and felt sharp stabbing pains in my stomach and digestive area. This lasted two days. Every time I see that clown I want to kill something.

Ronald McDonald, you're days are numbered.

I have finally determined that I can no longer eat at McDonald's and stay alive. I must therefore abstain from all of their products.

Goodbye McDonald's. It's been real and it's been fun, but it ain't been real fun.

No More Fence Sitting

After several months of pondering the question of which Democratic presidential candidate to back, anotherblogaboutme.blogspot.com has decided to officially endorse:

Barack Obama.

It was a hard choice. Every minute seemed to cause the staff here to teeter one way or another. Senator Clinton is still cherished in our hearts as a beloved leader and champion of stuff, but we just can't get that catchy slogan out of heads! Yes we can! Really we can't, that was just us telling you the slogan in case you hadn't heard it. It's still there. We here at the blog support Senator Obama's position and strategy to cut out of the middle east. We support this decision because of the war between Venezuela and Columbia. This conflict is going to spiral out of control leaving Venezuela's oil stores open for the seizing. Since Venezuela is the closest OPEC nation to us geographically, it's only logical that we stop fighting in the middle east and head south of the border to Venezuela. In one fell swoop we could finally absorb all of Venezuela's oil supplies and corner the South American cocaine market too!

Admittedly we endorse this candidate at the expense of our pro climate change agenda, but we don't really believe any politician can do too much to alter the course we're already on in that front.

So it is with pleasure that we endorse Senator Obama for president and say, "Barack the vote!"

Internship Available

www.anotherblogaboutme.blogspot.com is offering its first internship. Applicants must be current students, attending a 4 year college or University, and enrolled in a degree seeking program. Must have excellent time management skills, know basic computer applications, and be willing to tackle whatever life throws at them. This will be a challenging and rewarding program which will give the successful applicant an experience that he or she will never forget.

Applications for this position must be made in Haiku format.

Thank you,

The management

This Blog Is Content Rich!

Watch out world. This blog is content rich. It's so rich in content it buys other blogs, fires all the employees and then sells off pieces of those blogs to entities in Japan. My blog is so rich you have to drink a glass of milk after you read it. This blog flosses with platinum threads and rolls on solid gold spinners. This blog's portfolio is so diverse it looks like the cover of a "You Too Can Live Forever in Paradise" tract. This blog is so rich it blows up 56K connections. It's so rich you have to have an appointment just to see it. It's so rich it bought Texas and then sold it back to Mexico for twice what it paid for it. This blog is so rich that it hired Donald Trump just so it could fire him. It's so rich it has its own ice show. This blog is so rich it bought Jupiter. Jupiter baby! That's the biggest planet. Now you know people. Now you know.

The Terminator Says Hi

Hyrum received a love letter from some guy in his ward named the Terminator. I told him that I sympathize but I don't empathize.

Marriott Center To Be Demolished

The Marriott Center at BYU is going to be demolished in preparation for the construction of a larger venue. The new venue is rumored to house the basketball court as well as have the ability to accommodate a hockey rink. This is great news for BYU's newly incorporated Ice Cats. BYU expects larger attendance and increased revenue as a result of this important change. I think this is awesome news, especially for the future of hockey in the Utah valley.

rtf.

I'm starting a band. It's been several years since I've been in a band that included other people than just myself. The band is comprised of me and a drummer and possibly a bassist. I don't exactly want to give up their identities, so let's call them Eric and Bradlie. We don't want to get too popular too fast so we need to keep some semblance of privacy. The name of our Band is: Report To Follow (rtf. for short). I had a creative meeting with the drummer today. It went pretty well. We will be posting completed songs on this blog for all of you to download. Also we will have an open taping policy at our shows. This means that you can record our live shows if the venue will allow you to. Right now we are writing new material for our first album which will be distributed by Fire Fight Records. I'm really excited for this new project and hope we live up to many of your expectations. Viva la rock.

Fetus Purse

I found this on the Internet. Yes, it's a fetus purse. Who wants to rob a fetus purse? Nobody.

Raw Foodists Kill

Ever heard of raw foodists? They eat everything raw. They don't cook it. This includes beef, chicken and pork. In the case of livestock they usually strike at night. So all you rural folks out there reading this on your 56K connections, beware of the raw foodists. When they decide to eat meat, you can be sure they'll be coming for you and your livestock. This gives new meaning to the term "squeal like a pig," doesn't it?

Something has to be done. For years the Mexicans have blamed the ongoing rash of livestock deaths in the south west and northern Mexico on a mythical creature, the chupecabra, unwilling to confront the awful truth; that they are being plagued by raw foodists in the throws of meat lust.

So what can you do to protect yourself from the unwanted trespasses of a meat starved raw foodist? Protect your live stalk with increased security. Build those fences a little taller. Actually lock that gate. Remember a meat starved raw foodist is not like a supernatural vampire. This fact is often overlooked. Raw foodists in the throws of meat lust cannot hurt you! They're actually weaker due to the lack of nutrients in their body and have no special supernatural powers. Raw foodists cannot fly or turn into animals or trees. A starving raw foodist won't be able to scale your fence to get into the pig pen if you make it just a couple of feet taller. They will most likely just pass out halfway up the fence from over exertion and fall asleep on the ground where they fall. This will give you the necessary time to contact the local authorities.

Another precaution you can take is to install cctv cameras in your chicken coops. This will allow you to monitor your chickens and eggs 24 hours a day. There's nothing worse than waking up in the morning and finding a raw foodist passed out in the coop with baby chick guts all over her face. Take turns with your loved ones monitoring the cameras and walking the property at night.

Remember, preventing live stalk mutilation and murder starts with you. Keep the raw foodists at bay through vigilance. Don't be like my neighbor who lost ten head of cow to a pack of raw foodists who were jonesing for some beef. If only my neighbor had stood guard in his tree stand that night.

Beat It

I just watched Michael Jackson's Beat It video and a random thought came to me. What if you went to your gang initiation beat down dressed like one of the thugs from Beat it?

"I went to my gang initiation wearing 80's clothes with a head band made of rope. It didn't go well."

Water World

Recent talk about global warming has brought to my memory the film "Water World." In the opening scene of the movie it shows a computer model of the world with an animation, showing both polar ice caps melting. This melting causes the world to be flooded.

As a result people grow gills, can breath under water, and ride totally sweet jet skis. I rest my case, global warming is awesome. Even Hollywood agrees, global warming isn't going to kill us. It's going to force us to evolve. And if that evolution means, growing gills, breathing underwater, and riding totally sweet jet skis, then count me in! Sure there will be some growing pains. Fear of swimming and sharks is one of the largest phobias known to man. But global warming and the subsequent inevitable flooding of the earth will only serve to help people overcome their fears of swimming and sharks.

Another benefit to global flooding? Every week becomes Shark Week on Discovery Channel! It can't get much better than that! I bet that man, being the dominant creature it is, will quickly get to work domesticating sharks for use as the man's new "best friend."

So let's review kids: Global warming is good. Why is it good? Because it will force the inevitable flooding of the earth, forcing the human race to evolve into an incredible race of gill wearing, under water breathing, totally sweet jet ski riding people who have pet sharks. Why are we debating this? It's happening and I couldn't be happier!

Having It All Will Make You Chaotic Evil

So I've been recently playing this computer game. I'm not really what you'd call a hard core gamer. I don't play for hours and hours on end and when I do play, it's usually some type of military first person shooter game like Call of Duty, Halo, or Battlefield 2. Well I got tired of the mindless shooting games and have recently opted for a new genre: The RPG. For those of you who don't know, in the gaming world, RPG means role playing game (not rocket propelled grenade). I thought this genre might provide me a more fulfilling gaming experience. RPG's force you to create a character and develop that character throughout the course of the game. RPG's are usually quite long as well so many players become invested in their character. Because I don't play computer games every day I thought that starting an RPG would be fun as it would take me a much longer time to finish it than the average shoot 'em up game. So the game I chose is called Neverwinter Nights by bioware. I chose this game based on a review I read on www.gamespot.com They apparently liked this game very much and recommended it to everyone, including people who don't usually play RPG's. So I thought this would be a great choice for someone like me.

I picked up the "diamond edition," which contains the root game itself and all the expansion packs and modules. I wanted the complete experience and I wanted it to last me a long time (since I don't play as often as most gamers do I figured this was my best bet). I really like the game, it's a lot of fun. The game is set in some alternate mid evil Tolkenian time and you play a hero who is out to find the cure to a plague.

My character was a good guy. He was honest and kind, a real hero's hero. The game forces you to choose the type of moral alignment your character has and mine was classified as "Chaotic Good." This means that your character is a good person who is willing to break some rules for the greater good (you know, like Robin Hood). So the only problem is that this game can get kind of hard. It's hard living life on the road, always wondering where your next meal is going to come from; never knowing if an ogre is around the corner waiting to gore you alive. It's hard scavenging for gold pieces in crates, chests, bags of garbage, corpses, barrels, and abandoned houses. I mean how is a guy supposed to make a decent enough living to even be able to afford a decent hench man? Times are tough and the plague is hurting everyone so I did what anyone would do in my situation. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of being a level 3 fighter. I was tired of only having 95 gold to my name and a ridiculous excuse for a Non Playing Character Henchman. So I did it and nothing you can say can make me feel guilty about it.

I found some cheat codes. Okay, there, I said it. I leveled up my character and became a Chazillionaire. I thought it would be a good thing. I thought I could help people. Honestly, I had no idea it would come to what it has. I thought with all the money in the world and all the charisma one man could possibly handle, I could save more lives. But that's not the case. With all the power and all the money in the world I no longer had a need for other people. I started killing innocent NPC's. I robbed everyone every chance I got. I became Chaotic evil. Now, whenever I come in contact with an NPC, the game doesn't even give me the option to be nice to them and offer to help them. I only choose from a cornucopia of dastardly deeds and insults. I am feared and hated all over the world of Neverwinter. I don't know how this happened. I was such a good guy. It just goes to show that having it all will inevitably change you for the worse.

I feel much better having said this. But I have to go. I have a tavern full of people to destroy.

I Registered To Vote Today...

I registered to vote today. I was really bummed that Biden is out of the running for the Democratic nomination so I registered as a Republican. I wish I could have voted in both primaries but oh well. It looks like it's anybody's ball game right now and it will be interesting to see how the "redest state in America" decides to vote in the primaries. How will the democrats in the bee hive state vote? I imagine all the women who have secretly been waging internet campaigns against the LDS relief society general president's last "controversial" talk will probably swing towards Senator Clinton. I am going to go out on a limb and predict that the Republicans in this state are going to vote for Broth.. er... Mr. Romney.

My only question amidst all this hooplah is: Where is Cody Judy?

Does anyone remember Cody Judy? I was sure he'd be running for president this go around. He's run for public office in Utah since getting out of prison, so it was natural for me to wonder when he'd pop up in this campaign season. Oh well, he's always been good for entertainment but I guess he won't be making any appearances.

So who will I be voting for? Well ever since the media started covering the elections the same way ESPN covers sports, I've been more focused on stats and figures as well as good looks and game. So who's got the most game right now? Who knows, but one thing is for sure, I'd rather have Dick Vitel covering this election year than anyone else.

Where Is Cobra When you Need Them?

Do you remember the mini series that G.I. Joe did a while back? You know, the one where Cobra had stolen a device that could change the weather whenever and where ever they wanted?

I want that device.

It's freaking cold up in here.

I'm starting to think that maybe Cobra wasn't all that bad. Perhaps it was G.I. Joe's revisionist propoganda that convinced all of us when we were ten years old that Cobra was this evil enemy. I don't think it was like that at all. In fact I think Cobra was originally a good organization with a totally sweet name that was just lead in the wrong direction by a couple of neo conservatives who were so conservative they rounded the hump and became liberal. Crazy liberal. I mean changing the weather just because you want to? Who in the world would think of such a proposterous idea?

You have Cobra Commander the "ruthless" leader of Cobra whom we later learn was merely a puppet put in place by the supreme leader of Cobrala.

Then you have Destro, the only sane one of the bunch. I mean sure he had a metal head. Completely metal head. But he was always the voice of reason up to the last second, warning Cobra Commander not to do whatever it was he was about to do.

Next up is Baroness. Yeah wierd, I know. Destro's lady.

Later on we get introduced to "Dr." Mindbender. This dude is must have destroyed life for the Cobra purchasing clerks and accountants. He was always needing new and exotic materials for his rediculous research and development scams. Can you imagine the crap these guys had to put up with?

"Would you take a look at this!"

"Dude what is it?"

"It's that freaking Mindbender again. He wants us to authorize the purchase of body parts from ancient tombs."

"Like we're going to authorize that."

"For reals yo."

"It won't matter though."

"Why's that?"

"He's just going to take some Vipers and dig up the stuff himself."

"He's so flamboyantly stupid."

"I mean we could just have one of our archaelogical subsidiaries just buy the stuff!"

"What does he want this stuff for anyway?"

"Pfffssh, who knows."

"I hate this job."

I feel for you Cobra pencil pushers. I really do. Because little did they know that Dr. Mindbender's actions would result in the creation of the stupidest character yet: Serpentor.

I still think the weather manipulation device, which looked like a giant cannon, was a better creation than Serpentor. Although, Serpentor could throw stiff snakes at people. That was pretty cool.

I think that had Cobra Commander lived today in a post "Inconvenient Truth" World, he would have been given the Nobel Peace Prize for his ground breaking work in climate change. I mean the guy had a gun that could change the weather whenever he wanted. What's not to admire about that?

So I nominate that we finally acknowledge where all this climate change hoopla got its start: Cobra. Who would have thought that the world's most devastatingly evil fictional terrorist organization would have motivated the world to fight climate change. Think about it, this I command!

Twinkies: The Original Chuck Norris

It seems these days that everyone is talking about Chuck Norris. Even Mike Huckabee is talking about Chuck Norris. Now I'm not going to break with scientific fact and try to persuade you that Chuck Norris isn't all that people say he is. We all know Mr. Norris is invincible and super rad. But did you know that before there was the Chuck, there was the original primevil indestructable planetary element: The Twinkie. I will go one step further and declare the the following:

Evolution is real. Deal with it. I have proof:

Twinkies are the original indestructable element. They're golden on the outside and vanilla white on the inside. Twinkies have a soft spongy exterior but the taste is like a flavorfull kick in the mouth that gets you on both undersides of your jaw.

Chuck Norris is the Twinkie evolved.

The Twinkie wasn't getting the respect it deserved. Predatory children were ravaging Twinkie herds, decimating their numbers until they found themselves on the brink of extinction. Something had to be done. The remaining Twinkies combined their conciousness to form a collective mind and determined themselves to evolve into a new form that would be able to deal with the onslaught facing them. The form they chose: Chuck Norris. Chuck retains the golden exterior, now hardened from pain and the vanilla interior that is his core.

Don't believe me? Eat a Twinkie that has yet to evolve and tell me you didn't feel that! That's what I thought.

I SUPPORT GLOBAL WARMING

No, you are not reading this wrong. I support global warming. Global warming has been in the fore front of the media for several years now. It seems like everyday brings with it another celebrity endorsement of the war against climate change. Public radio and National Geographic has been producing a year long special on climate change which seems to air every morning. Al Gore and a group of less famous United Nations personnel have just received the Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts to educate and combat climate change.


These activists; celebrities and scientists; attack the fossil fuel industry, the republican party, and anyone not party to their beliefs of being immoral and just plain evil. Al Gore has often referred to climate change as a world wide moral dilemma. But after years of hearing the rhetoric from the scientists, celebrities, and journalists I have made a few observations.

These are the same individuals and organizations who also lament the growing world population and have worked their hardest to slow the growth of the human population down by supporting late term abortions, government policies (both institutional and overt) that would limit the amount of children born each year, and in some cases, even De facto genocide. So naturally those who oppose population growth oppose the green house effect.

Why do they oppose the natural process of Earth's adaptation to it's human population's size and wastes?

How do we know that the climate we currently enjoy is the optimum climate for humans to thrive in?

Who is to say that whatever the climate changes to is necessarily bad for human existence?

It seems like the scientific community and the American entertainment industry have made a lot of assumptions about our current state of affairs.

It's true that the human population is growing and will continue to do so. These opponents of climate change fear that the population is growing too large for the planet's ability to provide food. But what they're missing is that the planet is changing it's climate so that it can provide more food for its inhabitants! Have you ever been inside a green house? It's one of the most fertile places on the planet. And now the Earth is turning into a greenhouse. How wonderful is that? Soon our planet will be a wonderful greenhouse full of fertile soil capable of providing enough food for our ever growing population. This has to be the most convenient truth ever told and I welcome its arrival.

Join the fight to support global warming. This coming Monday will be designated as "Drive your SUV the long way to work day." That's right, we need to do all we can to promote global warming and climate change. Do your part and drive to work. Buses are for Communists. Drive long and drive loud!

Putin, Chavez, Political Coups, and Legislating From the Console

Today amid discussions of Putin, Chavez and brinksmanship, TenneC coined the phrase, "legislating from the console." I just had to document that in order to guarantee credit where credit is due.

Activist dispatchers be warned.

The internet is a cornfield; where ever you are, you're surrounded by ears.

America Autobahn

So TenneC and I were talking tonight and he thinks that we need to bring the Autobahn to America. I really like this idea. America used to have an autobahn. It was called Montana or was it Wyoming. Ever since the accident it's hard to remember details.

I think this would be great. I think it should be a toll road too. You should pay for the privilege of driving as fast as you want. And only certain kinds of vehicles should be allowed on it. In order to even qualify for the proposed American Autobahn you have to drive a bullet bike, exotic sports car, or a super wide powerful SUV. The bullet bikes would obviously be the fastest but would also get in the most wrecks quicker. The sports cars would then have to use their wishbone suspensions to weave in and out of the motorcycle accidents. Eventually some of them would get in accidents themselves. That's where the SUV's come in. The SUV's would plow over everyone thus cleaning up the mess.

American Autobahn should be high speed demolition derby P-diddy style.

Spies

Why are spies depicted in American media as super buff and super hot? This makes no sense to me. Spies are supposed to blend into society. They have to be able to make everyone around them believe that they are just like them: normal and average. So according to TV spies are super hot. This is probably because the government forced the networks and movie executives to portray American spies this way. The government does not want you to know that our spies are really normal average looking people who can't do a sit up or a push up if their lives depended on it. But what about killing? Don't you have to be in crazy shape to be able to kill people? Because all spies are also assassins right? Wrong again folks. But the government probably forces that particular depiction too. They want all of us to be too afraid of potential spies even if they are total lard butts. They want us to fear that even the total lard butts could kill us.

This is really just a sad ploy to trick us into thinking of spies in a certain way. Real spies are out of shape control freaks who hold down two full time jobs and have no lives. They work with you doing whatever it is you do and then they have their spy job. Their spy job usually consists of surfing the Internet. That's right, they surf the web looking for hidden codes and messages, telling them where to meet their handler later that night with the secret file (okay some things are real). So next time you're alone with that normal co-worker who spends all his or her time surfing the Internet, think again. They may not be so normal after all.

Edward Cullen

I present to you: Edward Cullen.

MTV films, (the studio with the current rights to the screen adaptation of Twilight) has officially cast Bright Eyes in his debut film role as Edward Cullen. Set to release Christmas time 2009, Twilight should draw a massive crowd following the success of Stephanie Meyer's books about the eternal teen vampire and the object of his desires; Bella Swan, who along with the rest of the cast, has yet to be named.

MTV films is rumored to be considering Katie Holmes for the role of Bella but they aren't confirming that right now.

I am not ashamed of liking these books at all. They're great stories and very well written. I'm excited for the movie(s) to come out and I hope MTV doesn't screw this up the way they did music videos. They were doing so well in the 80's you know? I also have to say that at first I was a little stunned that they cast Bright Eyes of all people to play Edward Cullen but now the idea has grown on me. I think this picture really makes him look like Edward.

Foamy Q and A: It's Time For Some Answers

Okay. What in the world does the Q and the A stand for in Foamy Q and A? I know you know what I'm talking about Utah. It's time for some answers. We've sat back for far too long just accepting that this is a legitimate name for a cleanser. Foamy Q and A. Foamy Q and A! Who thought of that?

I wonder what a real foamy Q and A would be like? Can you imagine President Samuelson holding a "foamy" Q and A with University students? I can. I'll let you imagine your own version of that. I'm sure it's funny and involves bubbles like mine does.

Foamy Q and A where did you come from? Who created you? Why did they give you that name? All I've ever gotten from you are questions, never any answers. Well Mister, it's time the "A" started playing ball...

LaVelle Edwards Stadium and Soccer?

Well it looks like plans are currently in the works to convert LaVelle Edwards Stadium into Utah's premiere soccer sports center. This is all still in the early discussion stages. Don't worry though football fans (American Football fans) BYU football isn't going anywhere. Due to Coach Mendenhall's growing popularity, certain insiders on the athletic supervisory board have expressed a desire to name a new football (American football) facility after the current cougar coach. That's about all I have right now but I promise I'll add more information as I get it.

The Marriott Center

I heard that they're going to start hosting Ultimate Fighting Championship at the Marriott Center. That cold dark place just got a little colder and darker. I agree with my co worker, whom I'll call "TenneC." The Marriott Center can be scary. I'm just glad I'm not a towel boy there. Those guys have it rough enough having to wipe off basketball player sweat from the court with their hand towels. Now if this deal with UFC goes through as planned, they'll have to don the latex gloves and wipe up blood. I can't believe BYU would actually agree to do this. Well if it does go through, at least KBYU television will get a little bit more lively. It's about time.

Night Shift

It's a party on graves people. A party. If only we hadn't run out of jars of communism. Then it would be a communist party. But hey, you can't have it all, "where would you put it?"

Perhaps a quick call over to Zakadia's Commie Emporium would help us out. I hear they deliver but the line is crazy long, like the two checkout lines at Albertsons, Macey's, and even Smith's at 11:55pm on Saturday night in Provo. You know what I'm talking about Utah. You get the urge to eat some nasty junk food that you would never buy during the day when you're in your right mind; and you decide to go out to your favorite grocer's to get that delectable bit O' transfat. When you arrive, you're greeted by young men and women who you can tell got all dolled up just so they could look "hot" standing in one of the two existing lines for an hour. It's like they knew that's what they would be doing with their evening.

"So like, what do you wanna do tonight?"

"I don't know, like, what do you wanta do tonight?"

"I don't know, let's just go to Macey's and hang out."

"Awesome, like what time is it?"

"It's like only 9:30."

"That's so perfect! We have just enough time to totally get ready!"

So 11:30 rolls around and two freshman girls step out into the great big world that is Provo ready for a night at the Macey's. Will they actually buy anything? Will they see that hot guy they both secretly are crushing on? Will they talk to anyone? Will their faces get tired making those ridiculous pouty model faces they've been practicing all night?

I hate those lines. Why do grocery stores do that to me? Why do they do it to us, Utah? Because they're lazy. Because that's the status quo people. And so when I want to get my trans fat on late at night right before church starts in Provo at midnight; I have to wait in line with these poor saps, only I don't look hot. Because how are you going to try to look hot when you want to get your trans fat on? Seriously. Look at me I'm so hot, pay no attention to the boxes of twinkies in my arms. I say if you're going out to get your trans fat on, you should look and dress the part. I want to see more people with baggy sweats and over sized T shirts. You know what I'm talking about Utah. The kind that cover up the rolls. That's right. You need freedom of movement when getting your trans fat on. You've got to be able to bend over to pick up that dropped hoho crumb and you don't want no low rise butt booty tight jeans pinching you leg veins shut while you're getting your reach on do you? I say go all the way. I prefer big baggy basketball shorts. They're thin enough that if I do get pinched I won't feel it much and they're baggy enough that I have total freedom of movement for when my thighs start to inflate and rub all up against each other. See you have to plan for this kind of food. I'm not saying one should always do this, but just when it's time for a little trans fatty action, should you follow my guide lines here. That being said, I want to add that flip flops are definitely the way to go when riding the trans fat train. I say this because my feet tend to swell when eating ding dongs. So it's nice to be able to just flip off your flop when the time is right.

So in closing, yeah graveyards are great. What did the following have to do with working the night shift here? If you don't understand the science of random thought in the middle of the night, then I guess you'll have to work the graveyard to understand.

Home Teachers Make Mistakes Too

I just want you all to know (all five of my loyal readers) that even home teachers make mistakes sometimes. Don't be a hater just because he's famous. Famous LDS stars can slip up just like the rest of you zoobies.

In related news, Fedex now ships communism world wide. You can get a biggie order of communism shipped directly to your doorstep overnight now. Just contact Zakadia for more information. Finally a direct mailing source for some of the best retro communism money can by. All proceeds of Zak's direct communism go directly back to the people. So be sure to super size your order!!!

Yes this is an inside joke post. I'm allowed one every now and then. Get over it. And if you happen to be a Chinese underground freedom fighter reading this, hoping that yahoo or google won't sell you out to the People's Republic, I apologize as this post might seem insensitive to your plight. Fight on brother. Fight on.

Flashback Monday: Sliding Down Rock Hill

Yes readers it's time for another Monday Flashback. So all five of you get in a circle and sit criss cross apple sauce and I'll tell you tale from my life from the past.

'Twas a warm sunny day as I made my ascent,
Up notorious Rock Hill in Connecticut.
The wind it was blowing
My face it was glowing
As I climbed up that giant cliff face.
My father was absent
My mother was sleeping
As I gallantly made my way.
The dew was still fresh and the rocks were still slick
But determined, I continued to climb.
I had on my Nikes
My short shorts, my T shirt
With my socks pulled up to my knees,
I was halfway to the summit
When I felt myself plummet
And my shorts instantly rode up my butt!
I slipped and slided
I lefted and righted,
And almost collided
With an ominous bush.
And just when I thought all hope was lost
I suddenly stopped on my toosh.

I looked around slowly and felt something trickle
Warmly around my right leg.
It was blood from my cheek
And I felt like a geek
But at least I survived the ordeal.

Rock Hill, it still stands just as far as I know
It is there and forever will be.
It is mine I have claimed it for my right butt cheek stained it
Notorious it will be evermore.

Drop The Mujic

Today we got a 911 call from a concerned citizen who had a suggestion as to how the "disabled miners" could be rescued. See, she had been watching TV and had seen how rescue workers had been drilling holes in the mountain and dropping microphones in an effort to locate the miners. Her suggestion:

"Drop the mujic." Her thinking was that instead of dropping microphones in the mine, rescue workers should be dropping mujic in an effort to give the trapped miners hope.

As if the sound of DRILLING wouldn't be music to their trapped ears. No, we need monster ballads to give these guys hope. I think I'll create a special playlist just for this. Oh yeah, "mujic" is really music.

"It Doesn't Get Much Better Than This"

As I came to the end of my orange flavored Creamy, I noticed the message written on the wooden stick: "It doesn't get much better than this." Suddenly I was filled with an aching sadness. I realized the stick was right. It doesn't get much better than this. I always thought there was more to life but apparently according to Premium, the comapny that manufactures Creamies, there isn't. I hope they realize what destruction they're causing. Unless someone who is completely satisfied with his or her life is eating one of their Creamies, people all over America are getting very very depressed. I don't think I could live with that kind of responsibility. Could you? I'm going to wager a guess and say no. If I had my own Popsicle company I would put inspirational messages of hope and compassion on my Popsicle sticks, like:

"Don't feel bad you'll burn off these calories just by standing up!"

or

"It could always be worse."

or

"You don't have to like it, you just have to do it."

Wouldn't that just be better than, "it doesn't get much better than this?" Thanks a lot Creamies for crushing my hopes and dreams. Thank you for making me see that no matter what I do, I'll never get that better job or lose that weight or beat Aaric's high score on facebook tetris. Stupid Creamies.

Flashback Mondays

Yeah, I'm just being different. So to you, the five readers of my blog, I take you on a trip down my personal memory lane. The year was 1983 I was in kinder garden and I was bit by a dog while walking home from school. That's right, I was 5 and walking home from school (uphill). These older kids were walking their doberman and it started snarling at me and barking. They let it go and it chased me down and bit me in the thigh. If you look real hard you can still see the bite marks. I was traumatized. From that day forward I was terrified of all dogs. Even the Disney movie Oliver freaked me out and as far as I was concerned all dogs most certainly did not go to heaven. It wasn't until years later when I was 17 that I overcame my overpowering fear of dogs. My parents bought a puppy for my brother for Christmas. And as is usually the case with dogs, they tend to want to hang out with the kid that ignores it. So my brother's dog became my best friend and cured me just in time for my mission on the Mexican border. So that's my flashback. It's not a cutsie flashback like the rest of you like to post. Mine is filled with terror but ends in redemption. This is the kind of hard hitting biographic flashback you can expect to read every Monday here at anotherblogaboutme.blogspot.com.

Think Godly Thoughts

Do you ever meet crazy people? I mean KA-RAY-ZIE people? Not weird, or awkward or strange, but "straight up mentally ill" (30 Rock, Tracey Jordan, first episode)? I meet these kinds of people on a regular basis. Both in my personal life, usually due to my wife's associations at church, and my job as a 911 dispatcher. The other day my wife's visiting teacher came by with her "baby" who happens to be 5 feet tall and 4 years old, and wanted to visit my wife. As usual this was another unexpected surprise visit.

Now before I go any further, please allow me to explain a few details about this person. She has a reputation for being exceptionally pushy. Her language tends to assume that whomever she is speaking with will do whatever she suggests. Well the last time she came over unannounced to visit my wife, who was in the shower preparing to leave on an expedition to Ikea, she tried her little Jedi mind trick on me.

"Hi, I'm here to see Jamie, I tried to call but she doesn't answer the phone or return my calls. I'm coming in to see her."

"Jamie is in the shower and when she gets out we will be leaving."

"I'll just come in and wait for her. My baby will play with your daughter."

I looked over at her "baby," a five foot tall lanky child secured in a stroller much to small for her. She looked like she was much older than a baby.

"Jamie is in the shower and we're about to leave so I think it would be better if you came back anther time."

"That's okay I'll just come in and wait for her so we can reschedule then," she began lifting her child laboriously up our front stairs. I could tell the kid was heavy as this woman was really putting her back into the task. Finally her grunting was too much for me.

"No. You may not come in my house."

"What????"

"I said, you can't come in. I am not going to let you come into this house. Please leave."

"I wasn't going in, what did you think? I was trying to come into your home or something? Geez."

"Uh, yes I do think you are trying to come into my home. I've told you, we're leaving. I will tell my wife that you came by, and I will have her call you to reschedule a time to meet."

"Well I wasn't trying to come into your house."

"Right."

"I really wasn't, I..."

I closed the door. Worried I would be solicited for Claritin D or Oxycontin.

This time she came back and it was the same story. Your wife never returns my calls, blah, blah, blah, my baby just wants to blah, blah, blah, I'm NOT trying to come in, etc, etc, etc. Her "baby's" arms were covered in strange temporary tattoos that were not the kind you find in a cracker jack box. I didn't really have to say anything this time other than,

"Hello, she's not hear at the moment... yes.... no... she went out.... I don't know when she'll be back... no... thank you... goodbye."

The last thing she said as she pushed her "baby" back down the stairs in defeat, was:

"Just do me one thing will you? Think Godly thoughts. Just think Godly thoughts."

Sometimes from the mouths of the mentally disturbed comes the best wisdom you could hope to receive. This has become my new mantra.

"911 what's the address of your emergency?"

"Raintree Apartments, please hurry it's an emergency!"

"What's the problem sir, tell me exactly what's happening."

"There are girls in the hot tub and they are wearing bikinis!!!"

"Are they injured?"

"No."

"Are they engaged in illegal activities?"

"Well I think so!"

"What are they doing sir?"

"They're wearing bikinis in BYU approved off campus housing! I want you to send the police right now to arrest them."

(Think Godly Thoughts Jake)

"Uh, so they're not naked, and they're not doing anything illegal, and they're not in any danger..."

"They're wearing bikinis!"

Yeah I get calls like that. And now, I try to think Godly Thoughts. Thank you crazy lady.

I Have Always Been Pre-Existing

I recently watched the movie "SiCKO" by Michael Moore. I've never been a big fan of Moore's films, well I take that back. I enjoy his films and view them as entertainment but nothing more. I do enjoy a good "stick it to the man" film. Perhaps it's the dormant liberal in me. I don't know. I think when it comes to Michael Moore movies, people are quick to bring up political affiliation. If you like his films you must be a liberal. If you don't like them you must be conservative. Well, I'm so liberal I'm conservative. Wrap your mind around that one America.

I have seen his films and like I said, I normally view them as pure entertainment and not the thought provoking dialogue starting movies, I'm sure they are intended to be. I view them this way mostly because of the way he composes his films. It's fairly obvious and completely biased the way he crafts his movies. These are not documentaries; rather, they are propaganda films designed to influence public opinion. I'm okay with that because I see them for what I believe they really are. So I don't mind so much that they are presented under the auspice of "documentary" because I believe that just about everyone knows that his films are set up this way.

That being said, "SiCKO" was different for me. This is Moore's attempt at an expose of the medical and insurance industries here in the United States. Almost from the outset of the film I found my nasty little "stick it to the man" side of me cheering Moore on. I felt this way because I have been one of the nameless faceless victims of America's health care debacle. I could relate to almost every single case he presented in his film. Throughout the film I found myself letting down my normal content analysis laced guard. I was more and more willing to look past the editing and the propaganda he was proselyting because I believed it myself. I was reminded of how awful it really is in America to have to do battle with health insurance companies and HMO's. Prior to watching the film I had just wrapped up a 6 month battle with my health insurance company. They had demanded that I pay them over $600.00 in bills for a routine cleaning at my dentist. I had previously been insured under their student program at the University I attended prior to being hired by that University upon graduating. That program was a nightmare unto itself. I was relieved when I was hired by the school and told that I could now qualify for the "the best health care money could buy." Imagine my dismay when I went to the dentist for the first time in too long (due to not having dental coverage on my student plan) only to learn that they were going to try to shaft me for a routine cleaning.

I received bills from the dental office, and the phone calls began. The dental office would tell me that they've submitted everything the insurance company demanded but it was never good enough. The insurance company kept telling me that my dentist's office was trying to bill them for procedures that were never done. This went on back and forth for 6 months and all the while the dentist's office was charging me late fees for not paying on time. And why was I not paying on time? Because my insurance company was not playing ball. Eventually I waited them out. They paid and the Dentist's office congratulated me by voiding all the late charges on my account. This was a great victory for me until I realized what all the fuss was really about.

My insurance company didn't want to pay for my cleaning because they classified my dirty teeth, for lack of a better expression, as a pre-existing condition. What the hell. Of course it's a pre-existing condition. When would it not be? I guess only people with perfect teeth can qualify for coverage for their dental needs. I mean how ridiculous is that? I found out that they only agreed to pay for my dental care after my case was put through to a board of review. Somewhere in some other city a group of non medical professionals sat down with my dental X-rays and charts and went about the business of deciding whether or not I was asking for something that was fair and reasonable. As if I was trying to sneak some crazy expensive service by them and get something I wasn't entitled too. Because that's what they do. They try to save money by screwing me. And I have been screwed several times over.

Now that this is over, I ask myself more now, what if I did need some kind of specialized care? They would probably force me to take a genetic test to see if I had a predisposition to whatever future ailments might beset me and then classify them as pre-existing conditions to get out of paying for them.

Sure Michael Moore may be crazy and biased and mean and smug and condescending and way too liberal for many people's tastes. But his latest film resonated with me and I ate up all the bias, the craziness, the smugness, and condescending tones he threw at me, his audience, and the companies and industry he attacked. It was good fun had at the expense of people I have often characterized as conspiring evil men. Perhaps I'm disillusioned but I don't think I'm the only one. Working with health care in this country has always been an uphill battle for me. Kind of like the four years I spend duking it out with the various guidance counselors at my high school in Virginia. But that's another tale for another night and one I'm quite fond of.

So Michael Moore, I salute you. I love guns, I love Chevys, I hate big oil and the Carlyle Group, but support the troops and feel we need to purge the world of Islamist Extremism. I feel you on health care reform. But I'm still so liberal I'm conservative, kind of like Jesus.

Guns

Are you the spouse of a man who wants to get you into shooting? Are you frustrated and tired of his constant invitations for you to join him on the range? Are you tired of his scheming and constant planning of new ways to buy the guns he wants? I have the solution for you!

Give up. Join him. Let him buy his guns. Go to the range. "The family that shoots together stays together."

Vampires

This summer is the summer of Vampires. My wife introduced me to this book called Twilight by BYU grad Stephanie Meyer. Apparently this is a "chick book." It's about a teenage girl who moves to Forks Washington to live with her dad. Shortly after moving to Forks, she becomes involved with a Vampire and his undead family. Romantic, action and undead terror ensue. I read this book in a few days. I was totally engrossed in it. I did not expect to become so interested in this book but it was very well written and captured the emotional ups and downs of teenagedom really well.

Last night I watched Under World and Under World Evolution. I am now reading New Moon, the sequel to Twilight and in August the author of the series is coming to my Sister in Law's town for a book signing and my wife and I are trying to get my Sister in Law to get us a signed copy of the third title in the series: Eclipse.

I have heard rumors of a Twilight movie deal being in the works and I hope it works out. All this talk of vampires has got me wondering though.

Why do they call them the "undead?" I'm not dead; could I not go by that title as well? They call Zombies that too. So what exactly does undead mean? You're thoughts please (in haiku form of course).

Guest Stars

Why don't TV shows today do what they did in the 80's? You know, how they would have a super famous actor guest star in each episode, usually as the bad guy? Why don't they do that anymore? I would love to see an episode of LOST where each cut scene had a different super famous star appearing in some kind of role as an "other." That would be cool. It would also be cool if Mr. T made more TV appearances as well. Preferably on LOST. I would like to see Patrick Stewart on LOST as well, but not William Shatner. That would be awkward if you know what I mean. Sometimes when I'm watching LOST, I imagine that the main characters are the bad guys and the "others" are really the good guys. But then my thoughts quickly turn to how cool it would be if Sylvester Stallone was on LOST reprising his role as John Rambo. Can you imagine Rambo on LOST? I know why they don't do it. If Rambo was on LOST, everyone would be found because he would pull a "Lord of The Flies (LOTF)" and burn both of the Islands up with a flammable arrow. The Dukes of Hazzard used flammable arrows. What's up with that? They were on probation for the entire time they were on the air. Part of their probation terms was that they were not allowed to possess firearms. So that makes a lot of sense. They couldn't have guns but they could have explosive tipped arrows. Nice. They had a sweet car though. You know who else had a sweet car? T.J. Hooker. Again with the William Shatner. T.J. Hooker was pretty amazing. There was a lot of hood sliding in that show. I wonder how they got away with all that hood sliding without denting the hoods of their squad cars? You could never get away with doing that on a motorcycle like on C.H.I.P.S. That would never fly.

Fruit Snacks

I ate some fruit snacks today at work. I opened the packaging up and there were only four actual fruit snacks inside. Today is my birthday too and I just thought that was totally uncalled for.

Shower Curtain

My wife bought a new shower curtain for the bathroom the other day. It's clear. I was in the the shower and noticed how much brighter it was inside then I noticed that there was a clear shower curtain in place. My wife walked in while I was in the shower and started washing her face. I felt like I was in some kind of performance art installation. It was really weird. Plus when you're on the outside looking in it looks like the person in the shower is some kind of weird horror film.

Poison Something Update

I went to the doctor and it's Poison Oak. It hurts, it itches, it's oozing nasty fluid, and unfortunately it did not come from aliens nor has it endowed me with super powers. It's just poison oak and it sucks. The image on the left is my left forearm It's the worst with the infection, yes infection, going all the way around the arm. The image on the right is my right inside upper arm. That infection has seemed to stay put, thankfully. My arms are wrapped up like a mummy now and I'm on antibiotic cream and steroids. There is no side effects for the antibiotic cream; however, I find myself curiously angry all the time at everyone and everything now that I'm taking steroids. Oh and they gave me some anti itching meds but they knock me out almost instantly which is really cool at night, but not so cool when I'm driving.

Poison Something

I have poison oak, sumac, or ivy. I'm not sure what it is but it's on both of my forearms and my right bicep. It itches and it burns and I'm typing this without resting my arms on the desk. My arms look pretty gnarly too. There's this weird star pattern on my left forearm too and that makes me think that possibly this is an alien infection of some sort and that any minute I will begin manifesting special abilities not found in normal man. Kind of like the backwards number 4 that's imprinted on the right side of my scalp just above my right side burn. Whenever I get a close haircut (high and tight, white walls, what have you) and I look in the mirror, I notice very clearly the number four. Is this some kind of message? Why is the number four engraved in my head? Why is it backwards? What does it mean? It's probably nothing. It's probably just some natural accident that just looks like a reversed number 4. But sometimes when I'm in bed, just before I go to sleep it starts to burn and glow.

Okay that last part wasn't true. But how cool would that be if it was? It's pretty weird though just like me getting poison whatever on my arms. So I guess that's how I deal with these odd things. I attribute them to a government conspiracy or aliens wishing to give a chosen human super powers. Hey it works in the comics! Unfortunately, I still itch.

Responses to my blog

From now on I would like to request all responses to my blog be in Haiku format. This will facilitate my ability to read the endless amount of replies I receive almost on a daily basis to my blog. Also it will enable you to pack so much more emotional content into your replies, while keeping them short enough for me to get through them and still have time to ponder their endless meanings.

Thank you

The Management

Corporate Emo

Emo is the new corporate rock. It's time we all faced the facts and found something else to horde away from the masses of brainwashed teenie boppers who drive these songs to the top of the 40. I once heard an emo girl, in a desperate effort to keep emo emo, call into a radio station and beg the DJ not to play Bright Eyes anymore. Her efforts failed. Her reasoning for the anti-request was that the artist known as Bright Eyes was becoming too popular and she wanted it to stop so that she and the select few of his early fans could still claim that ever important musical moral high ground when comparing obscure bands. As if to be able to say, "oh you've never heard of Bright Eyes, well I guess you don't really know emo then."

I laughed when I heard this. Don't you people know it's over. Emo, the once underground answer to grunge is dead. Everyone gushes their their honesty in song now and calls it emo. The minor 7th chords, the black hair, the women's jeans, the "I don't care about making money" facade, is over. Emo has officially sold out. Deal with it. Dashboard went electric for crying out loud! It's Dillon all over again! Emo is the new Journey. There I said it. It's time to find a new underground musical genre that truly emulates the you that no one knows or appreciates. It's time to ditch the women's jeans. Wash the black dye out of your hair. Lose the studded belts and bracelets. Buy some decent shoes. Wash your face and smile for a change. I have the answer for your musical needs. It's time to go back to the music that has always represented you and the things you stand for. The music that lets you be yourself and appreciates you for who you are. The music that will never go corporate because it's so underground everyone has forgotten about it. You've probably told people you've heard of this kind of music so you can sound like the well rounded and enlightened critic you portray to all of your friends and those you meet for the first time at emo concerts. It's called Jazz and it's the next big thing. It's as underground as you can go. And while it might get a lot of air time on public radio, once you start listening to John Coltrane and Miles Davis, you will never go back. Emo's got nothing on this, the original emo.

Utah is trapped in the 80’s. One of my brother in laws once said to me, “even when it was the 60’s Utah was trapped in the 80’s.” This is the same brother in law who when he suspects someone might by homosexual, first asks them if they’re German, “German or Gay?” But it’s true. Utah is and will forever be trapped in the 80’s. Why?

Because the 80’s was Utah’s decade. Everything that put Utah on the map happened during the 80’s. The LDS church reached it’s pinnacle of fame during the 80’s. BYU won the national championship during the 80’s. Some of BYU Football’s most famous players played for the University during the 80’s. Utah has the most 80’s themed radio stations. People here still dress like the 80’s. It’s like the state just got tired of being fashionable as fashion continued on. I think that happens with old people. You know, you reach a point where your clothes aren’t wearing out, they’re still in good shape, you’re not growing anymore, so why bother buying new clothes? Suddenly you’re a living time capsule for the fashion of your chosen decade.

My wife says I peaked in the 90’s and I’ve been trapped there ever since. Well I’m sorry if I still wear my Dave Matthews Band and Phish T-shirts; or my baggy carpenter jeans. But at the end of the day I know she’s right. We all have our favorite fashion sins. Mine is the clothing of the 90’s.