Think Godly Thoughts

Do you ever meet crazy people? I mean KA-RAY-ZIE people? Not weird, or awkward or strange, but "straight up mentally ill" (30 Rock, Tracey Jordan, first episode)? I meet these kinds of people on a regular basis. Both in my personal life, usually due to my wife's associations at church, and my job as a 911 dispatcher. The other day my wife's visiting teacher came by with her "baby" who happens to be 5 feet tall and 4 years old, and wanted to visit my wife. As usual this was another unexpected surprise visit.

Now before I go any further, please allow me to explain a few details about this person. She has a reputation for being exceptionally pushy. Her language tends to assume that whomever she is speaking with will do whatever she suggests. Well the last time she came over unannounced to visit my wife, who was in the shower preparing to leave on an expedition to Ikea, she tried her little Jedi mind trick on me.

"Hi, I'm here to see Jamie, I tried to call but she doesn't answer the phone or return my calls. I'm coming in to see her."

"Jamie is in the shower and when she gets out we will be leaving."

"I'll just come in and wait for her. My baby will play with your daughter."

I looked over at her "baby," a five foot tall lanky child secured in a stroller much to small for her. She looked like she was much older than a baby.

"Jamie is in the shower and we're about to leave so I think it would be better if you came back anther time."

"That's okay I'll just come in and wait for her so we can reschedule then," she began lifting her child laboriously up our front stairs. I could tell the kid was heavy as this woman was really putting her back into the task. Finally her grunting was too much for me.

"No. You may not come in my house."

"What????"

"I said, you can't come in. I am not going to let you come into this house. Please leave."

"I wasn't going in, what did you think? I was trying to come into your home or something? Geez."

"Uh, yes I do think you are trying to come into my home. I've told you, we're leaving. I will tell my wife that you came by, and I will have her call you to reschedule a time to meet."

"Well I wasn't trying to come into your house."

"Right."

"I really wasn't, I..."

I closed the door. Worried I would be solicited for Claritin D or Oxycontin.

This time she came back and it was the same story. Your wife never returns my calls, blah, blah, blah, my baby just wants to blah, blah, blah, I'm NOT trying to come in, etc, etc, etc. Her "baby's" arms were covered in strange temporary tattoos that were not the kind you find in a cracker jack box. I didn't really have to say anything this time other than,

"Hello, she's not hear at the moment... yes.... no... she went out.... I don't know when she'll be back... no... thank you... goodbye."

The last thing she said as she pushed her "baby" back down the stairs in defeat, was:

"Just do me one thing will you? Think Godly thoughts. Just think Godly thoughts."

Sometimes from the mouths of the mentally disturbed comes the best wisdom you could hope to receive. This has become my new mantra.

"911 what's the address of your emergency?"

"Raintree Apartments, please hurry it's an emergency!"

"What's the problem sir, tell me exactly what's happening."

"There are girls in the hot tub and they are wearing bikinis!!!"

"Are they injured?"

"No."

"Are they engaged in illegal activities?"

"Well I think so!"

"What are they doing sir?"

"They're wearing bikinis in BYU approved off campus housing! I want you to send the police right now to arrest them."

(Think Godly Thoughts Jake)

"Uh, so they're not naked, and they're not doing anything illegal, and they're not in any danger..."

"They're wearing bikinis!"

Yeah I get calls like that. And now, I try to think Godly Thoughts. Thank you crazy lady.

I Have Always Been Pre-Existing

I recently watched the movie "SiCKO" by Michael Moore. I've never been a big fan of Moore's films, well I take that back. I enjoy his films and view them as entertainment but nothing more. I do enjoy a good "stick it to the man" film. Perhaps it's the dormant liberal in me. I don't know. I think when it comes to Michael Moore movies, people are quick to bring up political affiliation. If you like his films you must be a liberal. If you don't like them you must be conservative. Well, I'm so liberal I'm conservative. Wrap your mind around that one America.

I have seen his films and like I said, I normally view them as pure entertainment and not the thought provoking dialogue starting movies, I'm sure they are intended to be. I view them this way mostly because of the way he composes his films. It's fairly obvious and completely biased the way he crafts his movies. These are not documentaries; rather, they are propaganda films designed to influence public opinion. I'm okay with that because I see them for what I believe they really are. So I don't mind so much that they are presented under the auspice of "documentary" because I believe that just about everyone knows that his films are set up this way.

That being said, "SiCKO" was different for me. This is Moore's attempt at an expose of the medical and insurance industries here in the United States. Almost from the outset of the film I found my nasty little "stick it to the man" side of me cheering Moore on. I felt this way because I have been one of the nameless faceless victims of America's health care debacle. I could relate to almost every single case he presented in his film. Throughout the film I found myself letting down my normal content analysis laced guard. I was more and more willing to look past the editing and the propaganda he was proselyting because I believed it myself. I was reminded of how awful it really is in America to have to do battle with health insurance companies and HMO's. Prior to watching the film I had just wrapped up a 6 month battle with my health insurance company. They had demanded that I pay them over $600.00 in bills for a routine cleaning at my dentist. I had previously been insured under their student program at the University I attended prior to being hired by that University upon graduating. That program was a nightmare unto itself. I was relieved when I was hired by the school and told that I could now qualify for the "the best health care money could buy." Imagine my dismay when I went to the dentist for the first time in too long (due to not having dental coverage on my student plan) only to learn that they were going to try to shaft me for a routine cleaning.

I received bills from the dental office, and the phone calls began. The dental office would tell me that they've submitted everything the insurance company demanded but it was never good enough. The insurance company kept telling me that my dentist's office was trying to bill them for procedures that were never done. This went on back and forth for 6 months and all the while the dentist's office was charging me late fees for not paying on time. And why was I not paying on time? Because my insurance company was not playing ball. Eventually I waited them out. They paid and the Dentist's office congratulated me by voiding all the late charges on my account. This was a great victory for me until I realized what all the fuss was really about.

My insurance company didn't want to pay for my cleaning because they classified my dirty teeth, for lack of a better expression, as a pre-existing condition. What the hell. Of course it's a pre-existing condition. When would it not be? I guess only people with perfect teeth can qualify for coverage for their dental needs. I mean how ridiculous is that? I found out that they only agreed to pay for my dental care after my case was put through to a board of review. Somewhere in some other city a group of non medical professionals sat down with my dental X-rays and charts and went about the business of deciding whether or not I was asking for something that was fair and reasonable. As if I was trying to sneak some crazy expensive service by them and get something I wasn't entitled too. Because that's what they do. They try to save money by screwing me. And I have been screwed several times over.

Now that this is over, I ask myself more now, what if I did need some kind of specialized care? They would probably force me to take a genetic test to see if I had a predisposition to whatever future ailments might beset me and then classify them as pre-existing conditions to get out of paying for them.

Sure Michael Moore may be crazy and biased and mean and smug and condescending and way too liberal for many people's tastes. But his latest film resonated with me and I ate up all the bias, the craziness, the smugness, and condescending tones he threw at me, his audience, and the companies and industry he attacked. It was good fun had at the expense of people I have often characterized as conspiring evil men. Perhaps I'm disillusioned but I don't think I'm the only one. Working with health care in this country has always been an uphill battle for me. Kind of like the four years I spend duking it out with the various guidance counselors at my high school in Virginia. But that's another tale for another night and one I'm quite fond of.

So Michael Moore, I salute you. I love guns, I love Chevys, I hate big oil and the Carlyle Group, but support the troops and feel we need to purge the world of Islamist Extremism. I feel you on health care reform. But I'm still so liberal I'm conservative, kind of like Jesus.

Guns

Are you the spouse of a man who wants to get you into shooting? Are you frustrated and tired of his constant invitations for you to join him on the range? Are you tired of his scheming and constant planning of new ways to buy the guns he wants? I have the solution for you!

Give up. Join him. Let him buy his guns. Go to the range. "The family that shoots together stays together."