Think Godly Thoughts

Do you ever meet crazy people? I mean KA-RAY-ZIE people? Not weird, or awkward or strange, but "straight up mentally ill" (30 Rock, Tracey Jordan, first episode)? I meet these kinds of people on a regular basis. Both in my personal life, usually due to my wife's associations at church, and my job as a 911 dispatcher. The other day my wife's visiting teacher came by with her "baby" who happens to be 5 feet tall and 4 years old, and wanted to visit my wife. As usual this was another unexpected surprise visit.

Now before I go any further, please allow me to explain a few details about this person. She has a reputation for being exceptionally pushy. Her language tends to assume that whomever she is speaking with will do whatever she suggests. Well the last time she came over unannounced to visit my wife, who was in the shower preparing to leave on an expedition to Ikea, she tried her little Jedi mind trick on me.

"Hi, I'm here to see Jamie, I tried to call but she doesn't answer the phone or return my calls. I'm coming in to see her."

"Jamie is in the shower and when she gets out we will be leaving."

"I'll just come in and wait for her. My baby will play with your daughter."

I looked over at her "baby," a five foot tall lanky child secured in a stroller much to small for her. She looked like she was much older than a baby.

"Jamie is in the shower and we're about to leave so I think it would be better if you came back anther time."

"That's okay I'll just come in and wait for her so we can reschedule then," she began lifting her child laboriously up our front stairs. I could tell the kid was heavy as this woman was really putting her back into the task. Finally her grunting was too much for me.

"No. You may not come in my house."

"What????"

"I said, you can't come in. I am not going to let you come into this house. Please leave."

"I wasn't going in, what did you think? I was trying to come into your home or something? Geez."

"Uh, yes I do think you are trying to come into my home. I've told you, we're leaving. I will tell my wife that you came by, and I will have her call you to reschedule a time to meet."

"Well I wasn't trying to come into your house."

"Right."

"I really wasn't, I..."

I closed the door. Worried I would be solicited for Claritin D or Oxycontin.

This time she came back and it was the same story. Your wife never returns my calls, blah, blah, blah, my baby just wants to blah, blah, blah, I'm NOT trying to come in, etc, etc, etc. Her "baby's" arms were covered in strange temporary tattoos that were not the kind you find in a cracker jack box. I didn't really have to say anything this time other than,

"Hello, she's not hear at the moment... yes.... no... she went out.... I don't know when she'll be back... no... thank you... goodbye."

The last thing she said as she pushed her "baby" back down the stairs in defeat, was:

"Just do me one thing will you? Think Godly thoughts. Just think Godly thoughts."

Sometimes from the mouths of the mentally disturbed comes the best wisdom you could hope to receive. This has become my new mantra.

"911 what's the address of your emergency?"

"Raintree Apartments, please hurry it's an emergency!"

"What's the problem sir, tell me exactly what's happening."

"There are girls in the hot tub and they are wearing bikinis!!!"

"Are they injured?"

"No."

"Are they engaged in illegal activities?"

"Well I think so!"

"What are they doing sir?"

"They're wearing bikinis in BYU approved off campus housing! I want you to send the police right now to arrest them."

(Think Godly Thoughts Jake)

"Uh, so they're not naked, and they're not doing anything illegal, and they're not in any danger..."

"They're wearing bikinis!"

Yeah I get calls like that. And now, I try to think Godly Thoughts. Thank you crazy lady.