Where Is Cobra When you Need Them?

Do you remember the mini series that G.I. Joe did a while back? You know, the one where Cobra had stolen a device that could change the weather whenever and where ever they wanted?

I want that device.

It's freaking cold up in here.

I'm starting to think that maybe Cobra wasn't all that bad. Perhaps it was G.I. Joe's revisionist propoganda that convinced all of us when we were ten years old that Cobra was this evil enemy. I don't think it was like that at all. In fact I think Cobra was originally a good organization with a totally sweet name that was just lead in the wrong direction by a couple of neo conservatives who were so conservative they rounded the hump and became liberal. Crazy liberal. I mean changing the weather just because you want to? Who in the world would think of such a proposterous idea?

You have Cobra Commander the "ruthless" leader of Cobra whom we later learn was merely a puppet put in place by the supreme leader of Cobrala.

Then you have Destro, the only sane one of the bunch. I mean sure he had a metal head. Completely metal head. But he was always the voice of reason up to the last second, warning Cobra Commander not to do whatever it was he was about to do.

Next up is Baroness. Yeah wierd, I know. Destro's lady.

Later on we get introduced to "Dr." Mindbender. This dude is must have destroyed life for the Cobra purchasing clerks and accountants. He was always needing new and exotic materials for his rediculous research and development scams. Can you imagine the crap these guys had to put up with?

"Would you take a look at this!"

"Dude what is it?"

"It's that freaking Mindbender again. He wants us to authorize the purchase of body parts from ancient tombs."

"Like we're going to authorize that."

"For reals yo."

"It won't matter though."

"Why's that?"

"He's just going to take some Vipers and dig up the stuff himself."

"He's so flamboyantly stupid."

"I mean we could just have one of our archaelogical subsidiaries just buy the stuff!"

"What does he want this stuff for anyway?"

"Pfffssh, who knows."

"I hate this job."

I feel for you Cobra pencil pushers. I really do. Because little did they know that Dr. Mindbender's actions would result in the creation of the stupidest character yet: Serpentor.

I still think the weather manipulation device, which looked like a giant cannon, was a better creation than Serpentor. Although, Serpentor could throw stiff snakes at people. That was pretty cool.

I think that had Cobra Commander lived today in a post "Inconvenient Truth" World, he would have been given the Nobel Peace Prize for his ground breaking work in climate change. I mean the guy had a gun that could change the weather whenever he wanted. What's not to admire about that?

So I nominate that we finally acknowledge where all this climate change hoopla got its start: Cobra. Who would have thought that the world's most devastatingly evil fictional terrorist organization would have motivated the world to fight climate change. Think about it, this I command!

Twinkies: The Original Chuck Norris

It seems these days that everyone is talking about Chuck Norris. Even Mike Huckabee is talking about Chuck Norris. Now I'm not going to break with scientific fact and try to persuade you that Chuck Norris isn't all that people say he is. We all know Mr. Norris is invincible and super rad. But did you know that before there was the Chuck, there was the original primevil indestructable planetary element: The Twinkie. I will go one step further and declare the the following:

Evolution is real. Deal with it. I have proof:

Twinkies are the original indestructable element. They're golden on the outside and vanilla white on the inside. Twinkies have a soft spongy exterior but the taste is like a flavorfull kick in the mouth that gets you on both undersides of your jaw.

Chuck Norris is the Twinkie evolved.

The Twinkie wasn't getting the respect it deserved. Predatory children were ravaging Twinkie herds, decimating their numbers until they found themselves on the brink of extinction. Something had to be done. The remaining Twinkies combined their conciousness to form a collective mind and determined themselves to evolve into a new form that would be able to deal with the onslaught facing them. The form they chose: Chuck Norris. Chuck retains the golden exterior, now hardened from pain and the vanilla interior that is his core.

Don't believe me? Eat a Twinkie that has yet to evolve and tell me you didn't feel that! That's what I thought.