McDonald's Did This To Me

Up until a few years ago I ate at McDonald's regularly. I grew up going to McDonald's. I loved their food. I remember most of the happy meal toys I got as a kid and I even remember when their food came packaged in Styrofoam containers. Micky D's and I have a long history together. That being said, a few years ago I decided to try to eat healthier so I stopped eating over at Ireland's hamburger stand (historical reference). Well recently I've started eating their again, now that I have children. Two days ago we went there for dinner. I ordered a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese extra value meal (1/2 pound of meat before cooking) with a lemonade. Immediately upon finishing the meal the back of my tongue and the roof of my mouth went numb. 3.5 minutes later I experienced explosive diarrhea the likes which have never before been seen in my lifetime. I staggered my way into the bathroom and held on for dear life. I managed to stay on the seat for 8 seconds so that should count for something, but by the end of it I was seriously considering installing grab handles on the side of the toilet bowl. After it was over I felt like I weighed 500 pounds and could only move in slow motion. I lost all feeling in my mouth and felt sharp stabbing pains in my stomach and digestive area. This lasted two days. Every time I see that clown I want to kill something.

Ronald McDonald, you're days are numbered.

I have finally determined that I can no longer eat at McDonald's and stay alive. I must therefore abstain from all of their products.

Goodbye McDonald's. It's been real and it's been fun, but it ain't been real fun.